I'm not perfect.
Noone is.
I have moments where I completely lose all self control, and give into the world, and temptations.
I am a victim of Satan.
I try so hard, but then I see something that flips the switch in my head.
I go blank, and like the snap of a finger, I am a victim.
I am the only one to blame.
I am the one who commits the sins, and the one who loses control.
I awaken myself from my black nightmare, and think about all the evil in my head, and life.
I can't believe the things I've done, and the actions I've committed.
I find it hard to understand that God forgives, and forgets.
I can't forgive, nor forget.
I have a drive to be more Christ-like.
I have an honest want to be more like the Christian, I know I should be.
But...I'm weak.
I love God, and I know for a 100% fact that I do...
But I feel like those words mean nothing when I continually live the ways of the world.
I am weak.
I never ask for help.
I never want to admit that I need it.
I ask for 'unspoken' prayer requests at church as a cry for help, and noone ever listens.
I lay awake at night worried, mad, angry and upset that I am not the person I woke up that morning saying I'm going to be.
I say a prayer.
I shed a tear.
I'm a role model.
I teach kids how to love the Lord, and be boastful of our God, and sing His name to the tops of the mountains, yet I am hollow inside.
I have an entire website dedicated to helping teens be more Christ-like, and walk stronger in their daily faith.
Yet...
I freeze when people ask me about the Bible.
I become disabled when the sermon, or lesson is about something that I am struggling with.
I hide behind comedy.
I love to make people laugh.
I put a smile on your face, while a tear falls behind mine.
I feel that I can't talk to anyone.
Inside, though, I know I can talk to God...
I'm scared.
The pounding in my heart, and the tears on my face, prove that I am loved by Him, and He is holding me.
However, I am unworthy of everything He's given me.
I watch the movies, and sob for hours after, cause I know He's there, and I can't rid the guilt that I constantly push Him away...
He died for me.
I can't seem to live for Him.
I want to live for Him.
I want to shout His name on the top of the mountains.
I want to make changes, but feel that society is always pushing me back.
I am weak to the Devil.
I am weak to temptation.
I am weak.
I ask for a prayer.
Nothing more.
Some who know me will read this, and some who read this don't know me, but I feel that a lot of teens have the same problems, so I want to be their voice.
I'm in no way saying I have the resources, to help.
But I plan to keep this journal of strength, and daily struggles.
Because I feel its nice to know others have the same problems.
If you know me, don't mention this.
If you don't, I hope it helps you...
This is my unspoken journal.
I am going to put my Christianity, and faith back together.
One day at a time.
Noone is.
I have moments where I completely lose all self control, and give into the world, and temptations.
I am a victim of Satan.
I try so hard, but then I see something that flips the switch in my head.
I go blank, and like the snap of a finger, I am a victim.
I am the only one to blame.
I am the one who commits the sins, and the one who loses control.
I awaken myself from my black nightmare, and think about all the evil in my head, and life.
I can't believe the things I've done, and the actions I've committed.
I find it hard to understand that God forgives, and forgets.
I can't forgive, nor forget.
I have a drive to be more Christ-like.
I have an honest want to be more like the Christian, I know I should be.
But...I'm weak.
I love God, and I know for a 100% fact that I do...
But I feel like those words mean nothing when I continually live the ways of the world.
I am weak.
I never ask for help.
I never want to admit that I need it.
I ask for 'unspoken' prayer requests at church as a cry for help, and noone ever listens.
I lay awake at night worried, mad, angry and upset that I am not the person I woke up that morning saying I'm going to be.
I say a prayer.
I shed a tear.
I'm a role model.
I teach kids how to love the Lord, and be boastful of our God, and sing His name to the tops of the mountains, yet I am hollow inside.
I have an entire website dedicated to helping teens be more Christ-like, and walk stronger in their daily faith.
Yet...
I freeze when people ask me about the Bible.
I become disabled when the sermon, or lesson is about something that I am struggling with.
I hide behind comedy.
I love to make people laugh.
I put a smile on your face, while a tear falls behind mine.
I feel that I can't talk to anyone.
Inside, though, I know I can talk to God...
I'm scared.
The pounding in my heart, and the tears on my face, prove that I am loved by Him, and He is holding me.
However, I am unworthy of everything He's given me.
I watch the movies, and sob for hours after, cause I know He's there, and I can't rid the guilt that I constantly push Him away...
He died for me.
I can't seem to live for Him.
I want to live for Him.
I want to shout His name on the top of the mountains.
I want to make changes, but feel that society is always pushing me back.
I am weak to the Devil.
I am weak to temptation.
I am weak.
I ask for a prayer.
Nothing more.
Some who know me will read this, and some who read this don't know me, but I feel that a lot of teens have the same problems, so I want to be their voice.
I'm in no way saying I have the resources, to help.
But I plan to keep this journal of strength, and daily struggles.
Because I feel its nice to know others have the same problems.
If you know me, don't mention this.
If you don't, I hope it helps you...
This is my unspoken journal.
I am going to put my Christianity, and faith back together.
One day at a time.
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